blah

So I can honestly say I get jealous over everything. I've been trying to work on that... but it's not just the typical "oh she has a phone. I want a phone". It's more like you've had both of your parents there for you your whole life. You have people there for you no matter what. Your dad doesn't call you a stupid little slut and make you cry on a daily basis. You've never had to deal with people putting you down. No one has ever told you your worthless. No one has ever betrayed you.
If you have everything I don't, a mom, a good father figure, friends you can trust, and you still complain... I am going to completely and utterly hate you for the rest of my life.
Shit. Waterfall from my eyes. Bye.

Fuck it All

okay so this is how the shit went down: I had a girlfriend, said girlfriend went to college. Said girlfriend was there for two months. Said girlfriend seemed to talk to me less and less. Me? I got pissed. I was constantly bitching about it to my FRIEND Ilia. Yeah, she's just a friend. You wanna know why? Because people can, in fact, just be friends. So, I would message her, she would message me. Except for the first month she was away, I actually tried to make conversation, ask her how school was and all that shit. The problem was, she would give me small replies and the conversations would therefore be boring. So I stopped starting them. If she wanted to talk to me, she could message me. I never ignored her like she claims, I just stopped trying because it was just pissing me off. Then the girlfriend came back after two long months of not seeing and barely speaking to her. I'm thinking "Yes! I can finally see her!" but in all reality no. Nada. Nothing. Shit. So by now I've just lost all hope in this mess. Not getting to see her half the damn relationship. It didn't seem like a relationship anymore. Yeah I tried to talk to her about all this but I didn't wanna seem like an asshole because it wasn't her fault she had to go all the way to Wichita. But no I find out AFTER the fact that she felt almost exactly the same way as I did. She's gonna bitch about how I never told her about how i felt but then she goes all hypocritical because honey, you didn't tell me either. So either do that shit when it's needed or shut the fuck up. So yeah, I said some hurtful things. I don't mean them. I say shit when I'm mad. I don't think before I act. It's just not me. I'm actually completely different from the last time you saw me. You would probably hate me now. But that's okay. You don't have to deal with anything about me anymore because I've noticed something about you: When you have a problem, you just shove it all aside. Don't deal with it. Just fuck it and forget it. So yeah I look like a big bitch right now. I don't really care. You've hit a sore spot on me and I'm going off.
Whatever.
Fuck it.
All of it.
Fuck.

Totally random and goes off track, but it's a post

So I haven't been blogging recently. Frankly I have nothing to blog about. Yeah it's been a little over a month. Nothing. To. Blog. About. Well there probably were a few things, but I just didn't want to waste my time typing it all on here. I'm lazy. But since I haven't blogged for a month, I will be talking about random stuffs. Like or example: right now, at this very moment in time, my girlfriend is in her second college class. Yeah she's there learning college things. Makes me feel like a small child... She's all the way in Wichita. I'm not sure how long she will be there, but I know I can't see her until she is back in Wyandotte. I miss seein her everyday at school. Even o it was just for a short amount of time. I took for granted those two minutes in between sixth hour when our classes we're right across from eachother. Just stood there, said hi, hugged and went to class. That was it. Not much but I miss it. Oh also, since were already on the topic of my girlfriend, I figured I should include this little segment.. I know I screwed up. I'm sorry. I don't want to say to much on here, but you just never really gave me a chance to apologize. I really am sorry. I know you said to move on and forget about it, but it's still there in my conscience and it's never gonna leave completely. I know your not gonna forget either. It's all in science: you can never forget anything. It is all stored away in your brain. You never forget anything. Sometimes it takes a certain smell or a visual thinggy to recal that memory, by it's always ther. My point is, you can't just forget. Forgetting is impossible (sientifically). okay I got a little off track there, but I think I got my point across. So this is the thing that has been bugging me. It's something I haven't been talking about, but the day has come. I have been dreading the day that my girlfriend goes off to college and leaves me here. Yeah I know, long distances can work out (even though she's not that far away and she will be back really soon). It's just I had this idea in my mind that she would get bored with me, fed up with never seeing me. I have already realized that even having a short conversation is becoming a problem and it's only been two days. I just don't want her to give up on me. I have had it happen twice already. I don't want I to happen with her. It's not a fun feeling when someone tells you that your not worth there effort to even try and say hey every couple of days. I just don't want that again. Okay so the only thing I have to talk about is my girlfriend... Yeah that's pretty much the only thing going on in my life right now. Oh there is one thing that does not involve her: some of you reading this are fake friends. I hope you know that I am never going to speak to you again because you lik to go behind peoples backs and say things about them. You know what? I would have some respect for you if you would actually say it to my face stupid pussies. And you can't out all the blame on me for something you asked me to help you with. Okay im done with my rant. End of blog.

Cuddling

"Finding someone worth waking up to is better than finding someone to sleep with". Just saw that quote and smiled because it really applied to my night last night/morning today. My girlfriend came over and stayed the night last night. we hing out and played with some clacking pink balls ;) (only she will get it). I made her dinner, which she was really indecisive on, so next time I will just let her starve (not really). We eventually got really tired and went to bed. went to sleep cuddling and holding hands. Woke up because there was really loud thunder, which scared her because I made her watch Insidious, and cuddled some more to calm her down. I woke up at about 8 and she was still tired so I watched some YouTube videos (Caaaaarrrrllll!) while she slept some more. I eventually got bored and took pictures of her sleeping and put them on Facebook (I regret nothing). Then I put the computer up and cuddled with her some more. She was actually sleeping and I was just laying there holding her waiting for her to wake up. Every now and then I would kiss her on the cheek to see if she would respond, which she wouldn't, so I just let her sleep. Eventually I was really bored so I asked her if she wanted breakfast which she replied with "do you want breakfast?" So I asked her if she was hungry. She said "My name is not hungry." So I gave up and told her that I was gonna make her breakfast and she was gonna eat it and she was gonna like it! I sleep on a king sized bed, but I have a twin sized blanket on it. We had room to sleep, but only one blanket. We were kinda forced to sleep close together.

Well, long story short: I liked having someone to wake up to and just be there to hold her while she sleeps. Oh, and she can not decide on anything.

P.S: Babe, you snore when you sleep. Its cute (:

Makes me wonder...

So I went to this huge clothes line sale today. While my dad was waiting outside for me to get my stuff, his phone went off. It wasn't his ring tone, which was strange. He looked at it and there was no text or call. There was just a number on the screen. The number was 334-4189. That number belongs to my aunt Pat who has been dead for a year. He looked through his call logs and there was no incoming or outgoing call from that number. He has a flip phone, he did not just butt dial it.
A couple of months ago, some friends convinced me to "call" to my aunt Pat while we were playing with a Ouija Board. We told her to give us a sign that she was there. I remembered that she loved cats and I saw there cat sleeping on one of there beds. I said "If your here, mess with the cat." about twenty seconds later you could see the fur on the cat moving. When it first started moving the cat twitched, then proceeded to purr. Then it got up and ran out of the room. They all were blaming it on someone else, saying that "you were moving the pointer, there is not really a ghost!" I think there was a ghost now... its kinda scary thinking about it now because of all the things the "spirits" said to us.
I know my dad was telling the truth about the phone thing because he absolutely does not believe in ghost or anything of the sort.
My aunt suddenly developed liver problems and was put in the hospital. Nobody could figure out what was wrong with her. She could not talk or even move. We had no idea if she was in pain or not. She dies after a few days. My dad would not let me go visit her. He never gave me a reason. To this day I wish there were things I could apologize for, the way I treated her, things I said to her. Dad wouldn't let me do that. He just brushes it off and assumes that I didn't care and did not want to even see her. I hate how inconsiderate he is of me. He never thinks of what I want. It is always about him and what makes it easier for him and what he wants. Never what I want.
I wanted to at least say goodbye to her before she died, but I didn't get to do that.
Call me crazy, but obviously she is still around...

Not happy. Not happy at all.

So I am starting to really hate people. I over react about anything as it is, but now I cry or scram about anything. You make me mad, I cry then I break things. You make me sad, I break things then I cry. You annoy me, I throw a brick at your face. You get the idea.
I had a huge English project over the book the House on Mango Street. It was worth 170 points. Big Grade. My father refused to take me to the store to get what I needed for the project, which caused some drama itself. We argued about how him buying me things that I need is a privilege and not a right. Any ways, for the project, we had to make a diagram of Mango Street and include ten events in ten different places. For each event/place we had to write a paragraph of what happened and why it is significant. Apparently everyone in my class wrote what happened then put "significance:". Me on the other hand, tried to blend it all in to the paragraph to make it look better and more organized. It was assigned to us on Monday an due the next Monday. I got it done and turned it in Friday morning. I was the only one that made it 3D (one other person did but it was all paper). I used houses form Monopoly and cars from Life. I built a fence out of broken pencils. I used scrapbook paper to make grass and cement for the road. Right in front of each location/event I put the paragraph. It was clear where it belonged and what event it was about.
My teacher decided to give me an F on it because she could not figure out what paragraph belonged where. She tried to say that my trees I had glued on there were not appropriate for the location/event of the 'Four Trees'. She told me that a direct quote I took from the book, in fact was not in the book. After showing her the FIRST SENTENCE of one of the FIRST PARAGRAPHS of the damn book did in fact contain my quote, argues with her about the trees, pointed out that the paragraphs were by the event/location and all you had to do was start reading them to know what they were talking about, my teacher decided that there was more to debate about. She said that I did not include why it was significant in the book just because I didn't take the easy way out and label it directly that it was non existent in my ten separate paragraphs. I asked her to read back through them and see that I did in fact have them. She decided to change some of my points like the quote and picture, but they were only one point each. My original grade was a 75 out of 170. It ended up going up to an 88 out of 170. Wow, a whole thirteen points. Still an F.
I asked her to please go back over it and find all the mistakes that she had made since I pointed so many out to her in less than 7 minutes. She got very defensive  and hateful about how my grade is what it needs to be and she made no mistakes it was all me screwing up. Really? Because she was the one that messed up in the first place. Oh really? That quote it non existent? Then why is it right here in the book? Does the book suddenly change because you want it to? She flat out told me that she was not going to give me any more points because I don't deserve them. She said it like I put no effort in to the project at all. I worked with what I had. I spent three straight hours on it in just one night. That is not including the other hours I spent the rest of the time. Taking a whole pack of pencils and breaking them in to the perfect length to hot glue them on for a fence took an hour itself. Not to mention when I finally had it all done, walking to her class three days early to turn it in, I dropped it and had to use Elmer's School Glue as a make-shift quick fix.
I put so much time and effort in to it. I had all the requirements and more in to one little project. She just brushes it off and puts it in the back of her mind. Doesn't think of how it will affect me at all. I had so many problems with my father just trying to make that. It involved a lot of tears and heart ache just to start on it. She does not think how one grade can affect me. She does not care.
So I failed a huge project that I should have gotten a fair grade for. Teacher won't even consider that it matters to me. It matters. A lot. I finally had an A in English. Now its a C. Brought my GPA down. Finally was doing good in school, then I actually try and I still get treated like a bad student. Thanks. Thanks a lot for all of this.
Yeah it seems stupid to put all this effort in to bitching and moaning about one grade, but I know I deserve and earned better then that. I just want whats mine for once.

Her

Down in the storage closet under the stage, we call it hell, turned in to heaven. I was down there "cleaning" with my girlfriend and some other people that were "helping out". Reality is, we were just playing with everything down there. I saw my girl over in the corner moving some stuff so I ask her if she wants my help with anything. Apparently not because she really just moved it there to make a shield from other people. Kind of a blinder. Her idea was to stand over there cuddling and holding each other. Great idea. Someone apparently would not believe us when we told her that we were not doing anything and re-positioned her chair in our direction. She kept shouting out accusations such as "inappropriate!"Oh well, we knew that we weren't doing anything bad. But then everybody left. So we just stayed down there, holding each other and talking about random stuff. She has a habit of it its near her face, she will lick it or bite it. She bit my arm so I bit her cheek. Apparently it hurt so I kissed her on the cheek. This lead to me wanting to kiss her on the lips but I didn't have the guts to do it. Then there were times when I would lean in close and freak out at the last minute and turn my head and hide my face in her shoulder. Then the theater teacher called us upstairs after realizing we missing. We slowly walked to the steps. We were halfway up the stairs and I was literally about to kiss her but suddenly everyone came back down stairs. We had to get a circular block thingy. Then eventually they all left again. Me and my girlfriend were alone again. We held each other some more and such. She sat down on a bench so I went to sit in her lap but her basket ball shorts made me slide off so I just stood there in front of her, my arms around her neck. I was going to kiss her, but, again, I didn't. Then when I convinced myself to do it she got up for some reason. They were going to close up hell so we kinda had to leave. I didn't want to get locked down there. So we started walking up the stairs again. We both stopped halfway up and just stood there. I was trying to be funny and stand one step ahead of her so I would be taller, but she kept getting on the same step as me. She was leaning against the wall and I put my hands on her hips, leaned in really close and kissed her. I actually didn't realize that I kissed her until I felt her bite my lip. Its not like I don't remember it, obviously if I didn't remember I would not be blogging about it. Its just that I didn't know that I had done it at the time. I can remember details now that its over with, but at the time I went numb.
Well anyways, it was awesome. I finally kissed her. Plan on doing it many more times. Oh and I got told by the late bus driver that she is not my pillow and I need to get my head off her solder. I was thinking to my self 'bitch this is MY girlfriend and I can do what I want with her. If I say she's a pillow, then she's a damn pillow!" but out loud I said "yes ma'am" in defeat. Blah! Oh and I know my baby is reading this so here is something directed towards you: you say you don't like being tickled, but you'll never convince me! Plus when there are no words to be said, tickling fills in the silence.

Awwwweeeeee Yeaaaaaaaa

Shes mine! All mine!!!
That is all.

So there's this girl...

She is going to leave soon so I know I should move on and not get attached but its to late for that. I know I shouldn't but I want her to be mine. I want her to be with me but I know it can't last long. I just feel so close to her but I know soon she is going to be so far away from me. I don't want her to leave but I know that is out of my control. I'm just gonna enjoy her while I have her. Every minute of every day I'm thinking of her. It's just so hard to move on, or even think about moving on. I guess for now I have her but once she leaves she can easily become someone else's. As soon as she is gone I can easily become someone else's. Its just so hard to think about. I'm going to miss her like crazy. There is just so much on my mind right now and 110% of it is her. Just thinking about her I can picture her beautiful smile and those amazing hazel eyes. I can look in to her eyes forever and study the brown with a hint of green. I can just look in to her eyes and stare forever. I can't even put it in to words of how much I'm going to miss her. I want her all to myself but I know that in less than two months she is going to be gone and even though she will still be in my life, there will be someone else that comes along. My only wish is that she is happy with whoever she becomes in life and whoever she ends up with makes her the happiest girl alive.

Past, Present and Future

So I realize that my last post was pointless and made zero sense what so ever. I apologize. I was just having one of those days. Now, let me explain it. My girlfriend at the time (now ex, explanation later on in this post) was bothering me. I'm sorry to any of you that are going to get all defensive over her, but it was annoying me. It did not seem like a relationship. We barely ever spoke and when we did we had nothing to talk about. I'm sorry sweetie, but you have no personality. You bore me. Do not take any offense to that, I don't mean it to hurt you. We just don't match up. When I saw you, which was rarely, we had nothing to talk about and nothing to do. So, at the time, I had all these thoughts about my current and one of my friends. I really like my friend. To all of you wondering and assuming, this friend had NOTHING to do with the break up. Anyways, this friend is going to be leaving me in a few months, which is not good for my emotions and such. She kissed me today. It was awkward but I liked it. This is probably going to make things harder for both of us once she leaves, but its hard to avoid. I don't like thinking in to the future, but I have to in order to make big decisions. I'm not sure this one is big since it will all be ending soon, but I'm still thinking hard on it. Moving on from the depressing, I have been having really scary dreams lately. The latest one all I can remember is I came home from something and I was alone. I went to open the door and it was locked so I got my key out and opened it. Once I got there, there were two people standing there staring at me. I screamed. The one that seemed to be in charge said "Were watching you". I got scared and ran in the house for some reason. Makes no sense but I pushed past them and ran to my room. Upstairs. To y room. Why? I have no clue. But once I got there, they were already waiting. The same man said " We watch you sleep". That is all I can remember. Ever sense then, once I am falling asleep I remember the dream. Oh, and laugh at me all you want, my house is haunted. Things move. The other day I was home alone and a bunch of plastic cups flew from the kitchen counter to the front door. Scary! 
Moving on. The other night my grandma fell. She lives right next door to my dad and I. My dad was walking her over to our house so that she could be around us and socialize for a while because she lives alone. He was going to make dinner for her. On the way over here, her foot got stuck on a crack in the sidewalk and her body kept going. She fell and the impact went to her left knee, her right elbow and her face. She got a bloody nose, a skinned and sore knee and her elbow, wrist and hand were tore up. She complained of pain in her back. We live next to a fire station so I ran over there and asked them to come help. They brought the truck and everything. The firemen wrapped her arm up and suggested that we go to the hospital because the needed X-rays. We got to the hospital around 8:30 and did not leave until after 4:00. In that time period, She received eight X-rays and two CT scans.  Her knee was fine, just in pain. They are not sure about her elbow because they could not get a good picture of it because she could not move it. They put it in a sling just in case. The bones along the spine that pile up around it and help to support it, yeah she broke some of those. She is doing better, they have her on Vicodin to help with the pain.
Well that is pretty much it for now. I have a lot on my mind, a lot on my conscience. Just gotta think of how everything in my past affects my present and how everything in my past and present will effect my future. I hope I like my future.

So I can't say to much without getting in trouble or making certain people angry, so I will try my best to get my thoughts out there with out giving too much away.
Things are complicated. They will always be complicated. I'm not happy with most things in my life. The things/people you would think make me happy, actually make me angry, hateful and miserable. I have a secret about one of my close friends and I will never let it our, no matter how bad I want to. It is a secret that no one knows, not even the friend I am talking about. I just don't know how to deal with things any more. I always want what I don't have and complain about what I do have. I'm rarely happy anymore and when I am it does not last long because the happiness always has an ending. I just do not like how everything has turned out. It is difficult to say what I want to without mentioning what I don't want people to know, so now my venting methods have failed. I'm just going to stop where I am right now and move on to something else. There is no use in trying to talk about what can not be mentioned.

Ouija Board

So I spent the weekend with my girlfriend and her family. We got bored and told some scary stories, watched some videos on YouTube. Tried to scare ourselves. Then we got the idea to make a Ouija Board. we used paper and just wrote yes, no, and, the numbers from zero to nine and the ABC's. We put hello and goodbye on the paper. We also wrote Ouija on the paper so the "spirits" would know what it was. We actually made two boards because we decided that the first one was not to ours or the "ghosts" likings. We made a few minor modifications and used part of a Scotch tape dispenser for the guider. We all sat in a circle with our legs, arms and hands touching. We called for any body out there, except anything evil, to come and talk to us. We placed two fingers each on the guider and relaxed so whatever force could guide out pointer to the answers it had for our questions. We asked if anyone was there and the guider moved to the hello section of the paper. We asked the age and it moved to the 2 then to the 6. we asked if they had ever been in the house we were in, it moved to "yes". We asked if they were evil and they said no. We asked if it was female and she said yes.  Then once we got to asking her name she said "T" then the next letter was "T" then the third letter was "T" again. We decided to ask how many letters were in her name. She answered with 3. We asked for her to spell her name out again and she said "TTT" again. We decided that she was confused and we moved the pointer to "goodbye". We then had an argument of who really was moving the pointer. My girlfriends sister thought it was me, I thought that it was the same sister. My girlfriend seemed neutral and the other sister was crying. It was not until we did it about seven more times until we realized that it really was something else besides just us. There was one time that someone sat beside me and one of the sisters and was rubbing my arm. Then we asked one to wake up the cat by petting it, 60 seconds later the cat twitched, woke up and started purring and rubbing his head around like he was being petted. We took terns letting go of the pointer secretly and publicly to see if it was really being moved by one of us. I still think it was the same person that thinks it was me, but whatever. I have had things in my house disappear and reaper and move on there own so maybe I do believe in all this shiz. I'm undecided. Maybe next time I can get my brothers actual Ouija Board and play around with it. But until then, we will continue to wonder who was moving the pointer and if we were really talking to a ghost. I also feel like someone is constantly watching me... its really creepy.

Today me and a friend were just hanging out on a video chat website. We were having fun teasing people about the way they would stare off in to space, there was one person eating which we typed in the comment "nom nom nom". It was all fun, great entertainment. A way to kill time before we had to do a choir concert for school. It was fun until there was a naked five year old girl on the screen jacking off her father. I could tell that it was nothing new to the girl because she was smiling and laughing. I typed in "that is disgusting you should go to hell for this." His only reply before I had enough and disconnected him, "lol". That right there got to me. We tried to brush that off our minds and keep ourselves in a good mood. we laughed about some more stuff, then outta nowhere, another little girl was on the screen. She looked no older then seven, sitting there on a bed, crying. The camera was on her so that I could not see the face of the man beside her. The man typed in "I'm typing for my daughter." I asked "why would you have a little girl on there. Are you some kind of perv?" His exact words were "you caught me, I'm a child abuser. You do exactly what I tell you or I will seriously hurt her. If you leave the chat room I will hurt her." I told him not to lay a finger on her. He said he wouldn't as long as I did what he asked. I asked him what he wanted, he told me to show him my tits. I told him I couldn't because I was in school. He asked me to prove it and I turned my laptop around the room so he could see that I really was in school. He said that he didn't care that I was around people, if I didn't want the little girl to get hurt, I had to show him my tits. I said that I could not just pull my boob out in a room full of people. I told him that he is nothing but a sick pig. Told him how he is so desperate that he has to use his daughter to get a piece of ass. His defense was how his daughter came to be on this planet. I said that he had probably raped the poor baby's mother and got her knocked up. He told me that I gave him a great idea: he was going to rape her. It was my choice, in the ass or in the vag. If I didn't choose, he would do both. I suggested he stick it in a grease fryer or possibly a blender. I said "you can't do any better then little girls? You have to rape somebody to get laid? You can't go out in the real world like everyone else and get a date?" He got mad at me for being a smart ass and disconnected.
I can only imagine him beating that baby all because there was no one there to stop him. Raping her like he said he would, in both places sense I didn't tell him where I wanted it. I keep picturing her crying. Siting there next to a man that should not reproduce for obvious reasons. I have never heard this little girl speak, but I can hear her yelling for help. I can hear her crying for someone to save her. She is calling for someone that can't save her. I feel like it is all my fault for not helping her. I almost got right up, ran to the girls bathroom and showed the man my tits just to save a child from a beating, saving her from having her virginity taken away from her, if it wasn't already taken. That child's eyes are burnt in to my mind. The way she was staring at me, silently begging me to save her. I keep thinking the worst, that she was beaten and raped to death. All because I couldn't do anything to save her. There are suppose to be FBI coming to talk to me and try and track this bastard down, but I keep thinking that it is too late. I wish that I could just grab her through the computer screen and hold on to her. Protect her form her father. I want to hold her and never let go. But I can't do that because its not promised to me that she is even alive at this moment. Its not promised that she will ever be saved.

March 3rd, 2011 marks the day that my Grandfather, James Wesley Armstrong Jr, died. He struggled with pancreatic cancer for over a year, and he did pretty well at that. The doctors told him that he had six months when he was first diagnosed, over a year later he was still surviving. I remember the day that he died, how I was told about it. I had just gotten home from school, I went straight to the freezer to get a yogurt tube I had put in there the night before. I cut the top off and i had barely started eating it when my foster mom had directed me to the front door. There I saw my aunt Caren, aunt Kim, uncle Ron and my uncle Jimmy. None of them were talking, just staring blankly at me. To avoid it all, my foster mom left the room. That's what she was best at, ignoring problems instead of facing them. I had a gut feeling what had happened. Then my aunt Kim finally spoke, she always gets down to business. She spoke in the sweet voice that she has always had with me, that is why I have always favored her out of my family. Then we all piled in the car and left to go to the crematory where my grandpas body was. I have no clue why, but they all thought it was right to visit a dead body and say there last goodbyes. A body can't hear you, it can't see you, it can't tell your there. A body can't feel your pain or even understand you. A body is nothing more then what we call it: a body. There is no life in it, this is why I did not see the point in visiting my grandpas dead body. The men working at the crematory were not expecting us, after all we did get there kind of late. They were not informed we were there. That is how I know what burning flesh smells like. Yes, we were there and somebody was being burned. I remember the smell and everything. I hate to admit it, but the smell was sort of pleasant. It had a sweat wisp in it, followed by a sickening feeling knowing that you are inhaling something that once lived.
Fast forward to the funeral. My grandpa was buried in an ammunition case, very well fitting for him. On the outside of the metal case, all of the grandchildren wrote there best memories with him and how much he will be missed. All of the grandchildren except me. You see, everyone had gathered at my grandmothers house before the funeral. That is when they wrote on the case. I was not informed of this, there fore I just showed up at the funeral. This still bothers me today, because no one even asked me if I wanted to put anything in the grave with him. Nobody ever asked me how I was dealing with his death. Everyone seemed to just be okay with it because they had a year to prepare for it, they knew he was dying. I knew he was dying too, I just never expected for it to happen. I just thought that what was there with me at the time would stay forever. That is not true. So much has changed and so much will continue to change.
My grandfathers funeral was the last time I saw my mother. See, I have a complicated life and i choose not to have my mother in it. I remember she put a coffee cup in his grave with him, because of his love for coffee. For a year straight he had not drank any coffee because the chemo therapy screwed up his tasted buds and he no longer could stand coffee. He use to drink it straight black, extra dark. Then he turned to tea instead, he said he felt strange not drinking coffee. He said he missed it. So that is why my mother gave him the cup. I am also bothered by this because she got to give him something and I didn't. This sounds selfish I know, but it does bother me.
Now today, one day away from the anniversary of his death, my grandmother is in the hospital. She has an irregular heart beat, most likely caused by stress and sadness of missing her husband. They have been together since they were teenagers and the last year was hard on them. They had four children together. Paula, my mother and the oldest, then Jimmy (James Wesley Armstrong III), then Ron and the youngest is Kim. Each of there children had children of there own. resulting in seven grandchildren: myself, my two older brothers, Dustin and David, James Wesley Armstrong IV, Mackenzie, Jessica, and Sabrina. My brother Dustin has had three kids, Jordan, Jaylynn and Brayden. Grandpa left us all behind. Four children, seven grandchildren and three great grandchildren. My grandma sees all of us and remembers how we were brought here. She sees all of us and misses her husband. She sees all of us and yet she feels completely alone.

I realized while writing this blog, it is the first time I have realized that my grandfather is really gone. He can never come back. It is the first time that I really cried for him.

This is my very first blog post. It is entierly for him. I love you grandpa. I miss being your little girl and sitting on my papa's lap while he read to me. I miss you helping me with puzzles. I miss you teaching me how to stack dominoes so that they all fall down. I miss sitting on your lap while you gave me a ride on your tractor. I miss you papa.