Past, Present and Future

So I realize that my last post was pointless and made zero sense what so ever. I apologize. I was just having one of those days. Now, let me explain it. My girlfriend at the time (now ex, explanation later on in this post) was bothering me. I'm sorry to any of you that are going to get all defensive over her, but it was annoying me. It did not seem like a relationship. We barely ever spoke and when we did we had nothing to talk about. I'm sorry sweetie, but you have no personality. You bore me. Do not take any offense to that, I don't mean it to hurt you. We just don't match up. When I saw you, which was rarely, we had nothing to talk about and nothing to do. So, at the time, I had all these thoughts about my current and one of my friends. I really like my friend. To all of you wondering and assuming, this friend had NOTHING to do with the break up. Anyways, this friend is going to be leaving me in a few months, which is not good for my emotions and such. She kissed me today. It was awkward but I liked it. This is probably going to make things harder for both of us once she leaves, but its hard to avoid. I don't like thinking in to the future, but I have to in order to make big decisions. I'm not sure this one is big since it will all be ending soon, but I'm still thinking hard on it. Moving on from the depressing, I have been having really scary dreams lately. The latest one all I can remember is I came home from something and I was alone. I went to open the door and it was locked so I got my key out and opened it. Once I got there, there were two people standing there staring at me. I screamed. The one that seemed to be in charge said "Were watching you". I got scared and ran in the house for some reason. Makes no sense but I pushed past them and ran to my room. Upstairs. To y room. Why? I have no clue. But once I got there, they were already waiting. The same man said " We watch you sleep". That is all I can remember. Ever sense then, once I am falling asleep I remember the dream. Oh, and laugh at me all you want, my house is haunted. Things move. The other day I was home alone and a bunch of plastic cups flew from the kitchen counter to the front door. Scary! 
Moving on. The other night my grandma fell. She lives right next door to my dad and I. My dad was walking her over to our house so that she could be around us and socialize for a while because she lives alone. He was going to make dinner for her. On the way over here, her foot got stuck on a crack in the sidewalk and her body kept going. She fell and the impact went to her left knee, her right elbow and her face. She got a bloody nose, a skinned and sore knee and her elbow, wrist and hand were tore up. She complained of pain in her back. We live next to a fire station so I ran over there and asked them to come help. They brought the truck and everything. The firemen wrapped her arm up and suggested that we go to the hospital because the needed X-rays. We got to the hospital around 8:30 and did not leave until after 4:00. In that time period, She received eight X-rays and two CT scans.  Her knee was fine, just in pain. They are not sure about her elbow because they could not get a good picture of it because she could not move it. They put it in a sling just in case. The bones along the spine that pile up around it and help to support it, yeah she broke some of those. She is doing better, they have her on Vicodin to help with the pain.
Well that is pretty much it for now. I have a lot on my mind, a lot on my conscience. Just gotta think of how everything in my past affects my present and how everything in my past and present will effect my future. I hope I like my future.

So I can't say to much without getting in trouble or making certain people angry, so I will try my best to get my thoughts out there with out giving too much away.
Things are complicated. They will always be complicated. I'm not happy with most things in my life. The things/people you would think make me happy, actually make me angry, hateful and miserable. I have a secret about one of my close friends and I will never let it our, no matter how bad I want to. It is a secret that no one knows, not even the friend I am talking about. I just don't know how to deal with things any more. I always want what I don't have and complain about what I do have. I'm rarely happy anymore and when I am it does not last long because the happiness always has an ending. I just do not like how everything has turned out. It is difficult to say what I want to without mentioning what I don't want people to know, so now my venting methods have failed. I'm just going to stop where I am right now and move on to something else. There is no use in trying to talk about what can not be mentioned.

Ouija Board

So I spent the weekend with my girlfriend and her family. We got bored and told some scary stories, watched some videos on YouTube. Tried to scare ourselves. Then we got the idea to make a Ouija Board. we used paper and just wrote yes, no, and, the numbers from zero to nine and the ABC's. We put hello and goodbye on the paper. We also wrote Ouija on the paper so the "spirits" would know what it was. We actually made two boards because we decided that the first one was not to ours or the "ghosts" likings. We made a few minor modifications and used part of a Scotch tape dispenser for the guider. We all sat in a circle with our legs, arms and hands touching. We called for any body out there, except anything evil, to come and talk to us. We placed two fingers each on the guider and relaxed so whatever force could guide out pointer to the answers it had for our questions. We asked if anyone was there and the guider moved to the hello section of the paper. We asked the age and it moved to the 2 then to the 6. we asked if they had ever been in the house we were in, it moved to "yes". We asked if they were evil and they said no. We asked if it was female and she said yes.  Then once we got to asking her name she said "T" then the next letter was "T" then the third letter was "T" again. We decided to ask how many letters were in her name. She answered with 3. We asked for her to spell her name out again and she said "TTT" again. We decided that she was confused and we moved the pointer to "goodbye". We then had an argument of who really was moving the pointer. My girlfriends sister thought it was me, I thought that it was the same sister. My girlfriend seemed neutral and the other sister was crying. It was not until we did it about seven more times until we realized that it really was something else besides just us. There was one time that someone sat beside me and one of the sisters and was rubbing my arm. Then we asked one to wake up the cat by petting it, 60 seconds later the cat twitched, woke up and started purring and rubbing his head around like he was being petted. We took terns letting go of the pointer secretly and publicly to see if it was really being moved by one of us. I still think it was the same person that thinks it was me, but whatever. I have had things in my house disappear and reaper and move on there own so maybe I do believe in all this shiz. I'm undecided. Maybe next time I can get my brothers actual Ouija Board and play around with it. But until then, we will continue to wonder who was moving the pointer and if we were really talking to a ghost. I also feel like someone is constantly watching me... its really creepy.

Today me and a friend were just hanging out on a video chat website. We were having fun teasing people about the way they would stare off in to space, there was one person eating which we typed in the comment "nom nom nom". It was all fun, great entertainment. A way to kill time before we had to do a choir concert for school. It was fun until there was a naked five year old girl on the screen jacking off her father. I could tell that it was nothing new to the girl because she was smiling and laughing. I typed in "that is disgusting you should go to hell for this." His only reply before I had enough and disconnected him, "lol". That right there got to me. We tried to brush that off our minds and keep ourselves in a good mood. we laughed about some more stuff, then outta nowhere, another little girl was on the screen. She looked no older then seven, sitting there on a bed, crying. The camera was on her so that I could not see the face of the man beside her. The man typed in "I'm typing for my daughter." I asked "why would you have a little girl on there. Are you some kind of perv?" His exact words were "you caught me, I'm a child abuser. You do exactly what I tell you or I will seriously hurt her. If you leave the chat room I will hurt her." I told him not to lay a finger on her. He said he wouldn't as long as I did what he asked. I asked him what he wanted, he told me to show him my tits. I told him I couldn't because I was in school. He asked me to prove it and I turned my laptop around the room so he could see that I really was in school. He said that he didn't care that I was around people, if I didn't want the little girl to get hurt, I had to show him my tits. I said that I could not just pull my boob out in a room full of people. I told him that he is nothing but a sick pig. Told him how he is so desperate that he has to use his daughter to get a piece of ass. His defense was how his daughter came to be on this planet. I said that he had probably raped the poor baby's mother and got her knocked up. He told me that I gave him a great idea: he was going to rape her. It was my choice, in the ass or in the vag. If I didn't choose, he would do both. I suggested he stick it in a grease fryer or possibly a blender. I said "you can't do any better then little girls? You have to rape somebody to get laid? You can't go out in the real world like everyone else and get a date?" He got mad at me for being a smart ass and disconnected.
I can only imagine him beating that baby all because there was no one there to stop him. Raping her like he said he would, in both places sense I didn't tell him where I wanted it. I keep picturing her crying. Siting there next to a man that should not reproduce for obvious reasons. I have never heard this little girl speak, but I can hear her yelling for help. I can hear her crying for someone to save her. She is calling for someone that can't save her. I feel like it is all my fault for not helping her. I almost got right up, ran to the girls bathroom and showed the man my tits just to save a child from a beating, saving her from having her virginity taken away from her, if it wasn't already taken. That child's eyes are burnt in to my mind. The way she was staring at me, silently begging me to save her. I keep thinking the worst, that she was beaten and raped to death. All because I couldn't do anything to save her. There are suppose to be FBI coming to talk to me and try and track this bastard down, but I keep thinking that it is too late. I wish that I could just grab her through the computer screen and hold on to her. Protect her form her father. I want to hold her and never let go. But I can't do that because its not promised to me that she is even alive at this moment. Its not promised that she will ever be saved.

March 3rd, 2011 marks the day that my Grandfather, James Wesley Armstrong Jr, died. He struggled with pancreatic cancer for over a year, and he did pretty well at that. The doctors told him that he had six months when he was first diagnosed, over a year later he was still surviving. I remember the day that he died, how I was told about it. I had just gotten home from school, I went straight to the freezer to get a yogurt tube I had put in there the night before. I cut the top off and i had barely started eating it when my foster mom had directed me to the front door. There I saw my aunt Caren, aunt Kim, uncle Ron and my uncle Jimmy. None of them were talking, just staring blankly at me. To avoid it all, my foster mom left the room. That's what she was best at, ignoring problems instead of facing them. I had a gut feeling what had happened. Then my aunt Kim finally spoke, she always gets down to business. She spoke in the sweet voice that she has always had with me, that is why I have always favored her out of my family. Then we all piled in the car and left to go to the crematory where my grandpas body was. I have no clue why, but they all thought it was right to visit a dead body and say there last goodbyes. A body can't hear you, it can't see you, it can't tell your there. A body can't feel your pain or even understand you. A body is nothing more then what we call it: a body. There is no life in it, this is why I did not see the point in visiting my grandpas dead body. The men working at the crematory were not expecting us, after all we did get there kind of late. They were not informed we were there. That is how I know what burning flesh smells like. Yes, we were there and somebody was being burned. I remember the smell and everything. I hate to admit it, but the smell was sort of pleasant. It had a sweat wisp in it, followed by a sickening feeling knowing that you are inhaling something that once lived.
Fast forward to the funeral. My grandpa was buried in an ammunition case, very well fitting for him. On the outside of the metal case, all of the grandchildren wrote there best memories with him and how much he will be missed. All of the grandchildren except me. You see, everyone had gathered at my grandmothers house before the funeral. That is when they wrote on the case. I was not informed of this, there fore I just showed up at the funeral. This still bothers me today, because no one even asked me if I wanted to put anything in the grave with him. Nobody ever asked me how I was dealing with his death. Everyone seemed to just be okay with it because they had a year to prepare for it, they knew he was dying. I knew he was dying too, I just never expected for it to happen. I just thought that what was there with me at the time would stay forever. That is not true. So much has changed and so much will continue to change.
My grandfathers funeral was the last time I saw my mother. See, I have a complicated life and i choose not to have my mother in it. I remember she put a coffee cup in his grave with him, because of his love for coffee. For a year straight he had not drank any coffee because the chemo therapy screwed up his tasted buds and he no longer could stand coffee. He use to drink it straight black, extra dark. Then he turned to tea instead, he said he felt strange not drinking coffee. He said he missed it. So that is why my mother gave him the cup. I am also bothered by this because she got to give him something and I didn't. This sounds selfish I know, but it does bother me.
Now today, one day away from the anniversary of his death, my grandmother is in the hospital. She has an irregular heart beat, most likely caused by stress and sadness of missing her husband. They have been together since they were teenagers and the last year was hard on them. They had four children together. Paula, my mother and the oldest, then Jimmy (James Wesley Armstrong III), then Ron and the youngest is Kim. Each of there children had children of there own. resulting in seven grandchildren: myself, my two older brothers, Dustin and David, James Wesley Armstrong IV, Mackenzie, Jessica, and Sabrina. My brother Dustin has had three kids, Jordan, Jaylynn and Brayden. Grandpa left us all behind. Four children, seven grandchildren and three great grandchildren. My grandma sees all of us and remembers how we were brought here. She sees all of us and misses her husband. She sees all of us and yet she feels completely alone.

I realized while writing this blog, it is the first time I have realized that my grandfather is really gone. He can never come back. It is the first time that I really cried for him.

This is my very first blog post. It is entierly for him. I love you grandpa. I miss being your little girl and sitting on my papa's lap while he read to me. I miss you helping me with puzzles. I miss you teaching me how to stack dominoes so that they all fall down. I miss sitting on your lap while you gave me a ride on your tractor. I miss you papa.