blah

So I can honestly say I get jealous over everything. I've been trying to work on that... but it's not just the typical "oh she has a phone. I want a phone". It's more like you've had both of your parents there for you your whole life. You have people there for you no matter what. Your dad doesn't call you a stupid little slut and make you cry on a daily basis. You've never had to deal with people putting you down. No one has ever told you your worthless. No one has ever betrayed you.
If you have everything I don't, a mom, a good father figure, friends you can trust, and you still complain... I am going to completely and utterly hate you for the rest of my life.
Shit. Waterfall from my eyes. Bye.

Fuck it All

okay so this is how the shit went down: I had a girlfriend, said girlfriend went to college. Said girlfriend was there for two months. Said girlfriend seemed to talk to me less and less. Me? I got pissed. I was constantly bitching about it to my FRIEND Ilia. Yeah, she's just a friend. You wanna know why? Because people can, in fact, just be friends. So, I would message her, she would message me. Except for the first month she was away, I actually tried to make conversation, ask her how school was and all that shit. The problem was, she would give me small replies and the conversations would therefore be boring. So I stopped starting them. If she wanted to talk to me, she could message me. I never ignored her like she claims, I just stopped trying because it was just pissing me off. Then the girlfriend came back after two long months of not seeing and barely speaking to her. I'm thinking "Yes! I can finally see her!" but in all reality no. Nada. Nothing. Shit. So by now I've just lost all hope in this mess. Not getting to see her half the damn relationship. It didn't seem like a relationship anymore. Yeah I tried to talk to her about all this but I didn't wanna seem like an asshole because it wasn't her fault she had to go all the way to Wichita. But no I find out AFTER the fact that she felt almost exactly the same way as I did. She's gonna bitch about how I never told her about how i felt but then she goes all hypocritical because honey, you didn't tell me either. So either do that shit when it's needed or shut the fuck up. So yeah, I said some hurtful things. I don't mean them. I say shit when I'm mad. I don't think before I act. It's just not me. I'm actually completely different from the last time you saw me. You would probably hate me now. But that's okay. You don't have to deal with anything about me anymore because I've noticed something about you: When you have a problem, you just shove it all aside. Don't deal with it. Just fuck it and forget it. So yeah I look like a big bitch right now. I don't really care. You've hit a sore spot on me and I'm going off.
Whatever.
Fuck it.
All of it.
Fuck.

Totally random and goes off track, but it's a post

So I haven't been blogging recently. Frankly I have nothing to blog about. Yeah it's been a little over a month. Nothing. To. Blog. About. Well there probably were a few things, but I just didn't want to waste my time typing it all on here. I'm lazy. But since I haven't blogged for a month, I will be talking about random stuffs. Like or example: right now, at this very moment in time, my girlfriend is in her second college class. Yeah she's there learning college things. Makes me feel like a small child... She's all the way in Wichita. I'm not sure how long she will be there, but I know I can't see her until she is back in Wyandotte. I miss seein her everyday at school. Even o it was just for a short amount of time. I took for granted those two minutes in between sixth hour when our classes we're right across from eachother. Just stood there, said hi, hugged and went to class. That was it. Not much but I miss it. Oh also, since were already on the topic of my girlfriend, I figured I should include this little segment.. I know I screwed up. I'm sorry. I don't want to say to much on here, but you just never really gave me a chance to apologize. I really am sorry. I know you said to move on and forget about it, but it's still there in my conscience and it's never gonna leave completely. I know your not gonna forget either. It's all in science: you can never forget anything. It is all stored away in your brain. You never forget anything. Sometimes it takes a certain smell or a visual thinggy to recal that memory, by it's always ther. My point is, you can't just forget. Forgetting is impossible (sientifically). okay I got a little off track there, but I think I got my point across. So this is the thing that has been bugging me. It's something I haven't been talking about, but the day has come. I have been dreading the day that my girlfriend goes off to college and leaves me here. Yeah I know, long distances can work out (even though she's not that far away and she will be back really soon). It's just I had this idea in my mind that she would get bored with me, fed up with never seeing me. I have already realized that even having a short conversation is becoming a problem and it's only been two days. I just don't want her to give up on me. I have had it happen twice already. I don't want I to happen with her. It's not a fun feeling when someone tells you that your not worth there effort to even try and say hey every couple of days. I just don't want that again. Okay so the only thing I have to talk about is my girlfriend... Yeah that's pretty much the only thing going on in my life right now. Oh there is one thing that does not involve her: some of you reading this are fake friends. I hope you know that I am never going to speak to you again because you lik to go behind peoples backs and say things about them. You know what? I would have some respect for you if you would actually say it to my face stupid pussies. And you can't out all the blame on me for something you asked me to help you with. Okay im done with my rant. End of blog.

Cuddling

"Finding someone worth waking up to is better than finding someone to sleep with". Just saw that quote and smiled because it really applied to my night last night/morning today. My girlfriend came over and stayed the night last night. we hing out and played with some clacking pink balls ;) (only she will get it). I made her dinner, which she was really indecisive on, so next time I will just let her starve (not really). We eventually got really tired and went to bed. went to sleep cuddling and holding hands. Woke up because there was really loud thunder, which scared her because I made her watch Insidious, and cuddled some more to calm her down. I woke up at about 8 and she was still tired so I watched some YouTube videos (Caaaaarrrrllll!) while she slept some more. I eventually got bored and took pictures of her sleeping and put them on Facebook (I regret nothing). Then I put the computer up and cuddled with her some more. She was actually sleeping and I was just laying there holding her waiting for her to wake up. Every now and then I would kiss her on the cheek to see if she would respond, which she wouldn't, so I just let her sleep. Eventually I was really bored so I asked her if she wanted breakfast which she replied with "do you want breakfast?" So I asked her if she was hungry. She said "My name is not hungry." So I gave up and told her that I was gonna make her breakfast and she was gonna eat it and she was gonna like it! I sleep on a king sized bed, but I have a twin sized blanket on it. We had room to sleep, but only one blanket. We were kinda forced to sleep close together.

Well, long story short: I liked having someone to wake up to and just be there to hold her while she sleeps. Oh, and she can not decide on anything.

P.S: Babe, you snore when you sleep. Its cute (:

Makes me wonder...

So I went to this huge clothes line sale today. While my dad was waiting outside for me to get my stuff, his phone went off. It wasn't his ring tone, which was strange. He looked at it and there was no text or call. There was just a number on the screen. The number was 334-4189. That number belongs to my aunt Pat who has been dead for a year. He looked through his call logs and there was no incoming or outgoing call from that number. He has a flip phone, he did not just butt dial it.
A couple of months ago, some friends convinced me to "call" to my aunt Pat while we were playing with a Ouija Board. We told her to give us a sign that she was there. I remembered that she loved cats and I saw there cat sleeping on one of there beds. I said "If your here, mess with the cat." about twenty seconds later you could see the fur on the cat moving. When it first started moving the cat twitched, then proceeded to purr. Then it got up and ran out of the room. They all were blaming it on someone else, saying that "you were moving the pointer, there is not really a ghost!" I think there was a ghost now... its kinda scary thinking about it now because of all the things the "spirits" said to us.
I know my dad was telling the truth about the phone thing because he absolutely does not believe in ghost or anything of the sort.
My aunt suddenly developed liver problems and was put in the hospital. Nobody could figure out what was wrong with her. She could not talk or even move. We had no idea if she was in pain or not. She dies after a few days. My dad would not let me go visit her. He never gave me a reason. To this day I wish there were things I could apologize for, the way I treated her, things I said to her. Dad wouldn't let me do that. He just brushes it off and assumes that I didn't care and did not want to even see her. I hate how inconsiderate he is of me. He never thinks of what I want. It is always about him and what makes it easier for him and what he wants. Never what I want.
I wanted to at least say goodbye to her before she died, but I didn't get to do that.
Call me crazy, but obviously she is still around...

Not happy. Not happy at all.

So I am starting to really hate people. I over react about anything as it is, but now I cry or scram about anything. You make me mad, I cry then I break things. You make me sad, I break things then I cry. You annoy me, I throw a brick at your face. You get the idea.
I had a huge English project over the book the House on Mango Street. It was worth 170 points. Big Grade. My father refused to take me to the store to get what I needed for the project, which caused some drama itself. We argued about how him buying me things that I need is a privilege and not a right. Any ways, for the project, we had to make a diagram of Mango Street and include ten events in ten different places. For each event/place we had to write a paragraph of what happened and why it is significant. Apparently everyone in my class wrote what happened then put "significance:". Me on the other hand, tried to blend it all in to the paragraph to make it look better and more organized. It was assigned to us on Monday an due the next Monday. I got it done and turned it in Friday morning. I was the only one that made it 3D (one other person did but it was all paper). I used houses form Monopoly and cars from Life. I built a fence out of broken pencils. I used scrapbook paper to make grass and cement for the road. Right in front of each location/event I put the paragraph. It was clear where it belonged and what event it was about.
My teacher decided to give me an F on it because she could not figure out what paragraph belonged where. She tried to say that my trees I had glued on there were not appropriate for the location/event of the 'Four Trees'. She told me that a direct quote I took from the book, in fact was not in the book. After showing her the FIRST SENTENCE of one of the FIRST PARAGRAPHS of the damn book did in fact contain my quote, argues with her about the trees, pointed out that the paragraphs were by the event/location and all you had to do was start reading them to know what they were talking about, my teacher decided that there was more to debate about. She said that I did not include why it was significant in the book just because I didn't take the easy way out and label it directly that it was non existent in my ten separate paragraphs. I asked her to read back through them and see that I did in fact have them. She decided to change some of my points like the quote and picture, but they were only one point each. My original grade was a 75 out of 170. It ended up going up to an 88 out of 170. Wow, a whole thirteen points. Still an F.
I asked her to please go back over it and find all the mistakes that she had made since I pointed so many out to her in less than 7 minutes. She got very defensive  and hateful about how my grade is what it needs to be and she made no mistakes it was all me screwing up. Really? Because she was the one that messed up in the first place. Oh really? That quote it non existent? Then why is it right here in the book? Does the book suddenly change because you want it to? She flat out told me that she was not going to give me any more points because I don't deserve them. She said it like I put no effort in to the project at all. I worked with what I had. I spent three straight hours on it in just one night. That is not including the other hours I spent the rest of the time. Taking a whole pack of pencils and breaking them in to the perfect length to hot glue them on for a fence took an hour itself. Not to mention when I finally had it all done, walking to her class three days early to turn it in, I dropped it and had to use Elmer's School Glue as a make-shift quick fix.
I put so much time and effort in to it. I had all the requirements and more in to one little project. She just brushes it off and puts it in the back of her mind. Doesn't think of how it will affect me at all. I had so many problems with my father just trying to make that. It involved a lot of tears and heart ache just to start on it. She does not think how one grade can affect me. She does not care.
So I failed a huge project that I should have gotten a fair grade for. Teacher won't even consider that it matters to me. It matters. A lot. I finally had an A in English. Now its a C. Brought my GPA down. Finally was doing good in school, then I actually try and I still get treated like a bad student. Thanks. Thanks a lot for all of this.
Yeah it seems stupid to put all this effort in to bitching and moaning about one grade, but I know I deserve and earned better then that. I just want whats mine for once.

Her

Down in the storage closet under the stage, we call it hell, turned in to heaven. I was down there "cleaning" with my girlfriend and some other people that were "helping out". Reality is, we were just playing with everything down there. I saw my girl over in the corner moving some stuff so I ask her if she wants my help with anything. Apparently not because she really just moved it there to make a shield from other people. Kind of a blinder. Her idea was to stand over there cuddling and holding each other. Great idea. Someone apparently would not believe us when we told her that we were not doing anything and re-positioned her chair in our direction. She kept shouting out accusations such as "inappropriate!"Oh well, we knew that we weren't doing anything bad. But then everybody left. So we just stayed down there, holding each other and talking about random stuff. She has a habit of it its near her face, she will lick it or bite it. She bit my arm so I bit her cheek. Apparently it hurt so I kissed her on the cheek. This lead to me wanting to kiss her on the lips but I didn't have the guts to do it. Then there were times when I would lean in close and freak out at the last minute and turn my head and hide my face in her shoulder. Then the theater teacher called us upstairs after realizing we missing. We slowly walked to the steps. We were halfway up the stairs and I was literally about to kiss her but suddenly everyone came back down stairs. We had to get a circular block thingy. Then eventually they all left again. Me and my girlfriend were alone again. We held each other some more and such. She sat down on a bench so I went to sit in her lap but her basket ball shorts made me slide off so I just stood there in front of her, my arms around her neck. I was going to kiss her, but, again, I didn't. Then when I convinced myself to do it she got up for some reason. They were going to close up hell so we kinda had to leave. I didn't want to get locked down there. So we started walking up the stairs again. We both stopped halfway up and just stood there. I was trying to be funny and stand one step ahead of her so I would be taller, but she kept getting on the same step as me. She was leaning against the wall and I put my hands on her hips, leaned in really close and kissed her. I actually didn't realize that I kissed her until I felt her bite my lip. Its not like I don't remember it, obviously if I didn't remember I would not be blogging about it. Its just that I didn't know that I had done it at the time. I can remember details now that its over with, but at the time I went numb.
Well anyways, it was awesome. I finally kissed her. Plan on doing it many more times. Oh and I got told by the late bus driver that she is not my pillow and I need to get my head off her solder. I was thinking to my self 'bitch this is MY girlfriend and I can do what I want with her. If I say she's a pillow, then she's a damn pillow!" but out loud I said "yes ma'am" in defeat. Blah! Oh and I know my baby is reading this so here is something directed towards you: you say you don't like being tickled, but you'll never convince me! Plus when there are no words to be said, tickling fills in the silence.